Save Me
by JustAnotherPseudonym
Summary: Sequel to I Promise. Sara's Response. Femslash.


**Title: **Save Me  
**Author: JustAnotherPseudonym/Eveh**

**Disclaimer:** Okay so I don't own CSI the Las Vegas version or any of their characters. I don't even really want to own it, but that won't stop me from writing about the characters in a non-profit just for fun type of way.

**Pairing:** Catherine/Sara

* * *

I've realized something. It was one of those weird type realizations too. It's something that has been building inside of me for so long and I couldn't recognize it until it was you standing right in front of me, the you as you are right now. You had to be exactly as you are right now. It had to be like this for me to admit it.

I want you to save me.

I'm not helpless, I know that. I'm stronger than most people probably realize because I've had to be, and I think you're the only one that understands that. I think you're the only one that can see how weak being strong can make a person, can make us.

It's almost insane how I didn't see it before. I took your strength as for what you meant it to be, the shield with a bright glowing neon sign that proclaimed 'Keep Out'. For a while, for a very long time actually, I thought it was just me you wanted to keep out. I'd see you with everyone else and you were different with them somehow. It was almost like you'd let everyone else into your sun but would always leave me with the rain.

Seeing it now is easier. I realize now that everyone else just couldn't see the clouds that covered you, but somehow I did. Perhaps that's why you pushed me away so much and perhaps that why I let you. Perhaps some part of me actually understood that if I could see your metaphorical rain clouds then you could see mine too.

We always tried to act so different from each other, didn't we? We magnified the differences so that we could convince everyone else that they were there, so that we could convince ourselves. We did everything we could to stay apart.

Ironic, isn't it? Ironic that I can only see it now in the state I'm in. I had to come to this point, this point where I actually hate myself more than I ever have before. I have to be in a state where I, me, Sara Sidle needs saving. The real kind of saving that made you seek me out and drag me to your house so that you could watch over me.

If you hadn't come for me, I wouldn't have gone to you. I think you know that already. Your silent gaze tells me that you know. You know that I never could have asked you for anything, not after everything that has happened between us. Especially not after…not after what we've gone through.

You probably also know why I've always been so…silent around you. You probably know why I could never find it in me to actually talk to you about anything besides work. You probably know that I was afraid that if I started that I could never stop. You knew that if I looked at you long enough and spoke to you long enough that I would confess to things and share things that my conscious mind never wanted to slip past my ignorantly sealed lips. If my unconscious mind had ever been able to break the seal I had put on them then this thing between us would never have gone as far as it did for as long as it did.

Maybe it would have, though. Maybe we both needed to be ready at the same time and maybe this is what it took for us to get here. There are so many 'maybes' and 'ifs'. There are too many for me to keep up with, and I'm tired of trying to keep up with them. I'm tired of trying to keep up with so many things that are between us.

You told me the past doesn't matter anymore, right? You said it didn't matter because we were going to make things different. You sound so damn sure about it too. You're so damn determined and…the way you've been looking at me makes me think that you believe I should be determined too.

If I were to pretend that this were the past, even for a moment, I would think that you were challenging me. I'd think you were challenging me to prove you wrong. But it's not like that anymore is it? This isn't about us battling wills or our stubbornness. This is just about me and you.

"You don't have to say you love me back," you say fighting so hard to keep your hands to yourself that you clasp them tightly in front of you. Each hand is making sure the other doesn't escape. For the moment, I'm happy you are holding them back. "You don't have to ever love me back, that's not what…I just want you to be happy and I want you to not kill yourself before you find your way there."

The first thing I did when I woke up was to check my feet. I wanted to see if I still had my shoes on so that I could run. There's too much happening too fast for my alcohol altered brain to even start to really think about it. All it wants to know is, "Why do you love me?"

It's not easy to answer, I know, despite the fictional world others have created telling us it's simple. "I don't know," you tell me your hands still clasped tightly together. "I don't know much anymore."

Look what we've done to each other. You're no longer with your shield and I've somehow pulled you out into the rain with me or rather pulled you out to expose the rain. "I want you to save me, Catherine."

Your hands fall apart. My words have somehow managed to break through their persistent and determined embrace. "Okay."

"I can't promise that I can tell you I love you," It's only fair to warn you now, isn't it? It's only fair I prepare you for the possibility that I might walk away never being able to admit to anything.

"That's really not important now." Somehow I've given you silent permission to run your hand down the side of my face. Your touch is warm and unexpected. It reminds me of our embrace in front of that damned stupid bar because it makes me feel the same way. It makes me want to beg you to save me. "I promise," you whisper.

It's in me to love you. I know it's there resting inside of me in some sort of prison I've created for it. I know there is something deep inside of me right now that wants me to admit to you that I've always loved you, but I can't force it out. I can't trust you with everything, yet. I can't give you everything. It'd hurt too much to do that now. As it is right now, all I want is for you to love me so that I believe I eventually deserve saying to you that I love you too.


End file.
